Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some 'omniscient being'" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down) Make a wish!!! Really, go on and make one!!! Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not that, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of shit. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes: *Send this to one person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *20 to 674951 people: 20 to 674951 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Chain Letter Type 2 Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for everytime you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to five people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder-if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!! ------------------------------------------------------- Chain Letter Type 3 Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like: Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!! Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way-"not that there's anything wrong with that!"). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok. ------------------------------------------------------- Chain Letter Type 4: As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends. Friends -A friend is someone, who is always at your side, -A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop, -A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly -A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself -A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life, -A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a monkey and then thrown to vicious dogs, -A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady, -A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, the mutant lizards will eat you.