Alfonso Merkin Does Not Like Chain Letters

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people 
who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in 
Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the 
cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic 
pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 
fucking cents every time you send me the letter.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone
you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky
here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every
Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by
Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the
Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness
Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow
receive a nickel from some 'omniscient being'" forwards about 90 times. I
don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your
own unpopularity.


Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?


Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty,
here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to people in the
next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high
building into a pile of shit. It's true! Because, you now, THIS letter
isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!

Here's how it goes:

*Send this to one person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.

*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.

*20 to 674951 people: 20 to 674951 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!


Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no
parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for
everytime you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little
Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So
go on, reach out.

Send this to five people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder-if you
accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!


Chain Letter Type 3 

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as
many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works.

Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible
will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
shit, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
she died. This Could Happen To You!!! 

Queer Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13-year-old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored
it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey,
some people swing that way-"not that there's anything wrong with that!").
They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where
they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This
Could Happen To You!!! 

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter
to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.


Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your


-A friend is someone, who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your
loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you
should be raped by a monkey and then thrown to vicious dogs,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the
check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the
cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his
wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, the mutant lizards will eat you.

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