"Bosco is a Bollox! Bosco is a Bollox!" What Zig and Zag were caught shouting (with Ian Dempsey laughing in the background) when the cameras returned prematurely from a commercial break during 'Dempsey's Den'. Zag was tossing the Bosco puppet around. Ian Dempsey: "What would you give Andrew and Sarah as a wedding present?" Caller: "I'd love to give Fergie AIDS and put a bomb up Andy's hole'" "Stephen Roche, the only British or Irish cyclist to win the Tour De France." ITV commentator. Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?" Contestant: "Hamlet." Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? .... I'll give you a hint. It's something you suck...." Contestant: "Oh, DickieDavies." (Murray Walker is the correct answer). Larry Gogan: "What was Jeeve's occupation?" Contestant: "He was a carpenter." Larry Gogan: "Complete this well known phrase. 'As happy as.....' hint think of me." Contestant: "Flies on sh1te." Larry Gogan: (after a caller got none of 18 questions right on the Just a Minute quiz) - "Ah sure the questions didn't really suit you did they?" Caller: "Ah go fuck off Larry you're only an old bollox." Gerry Ryan: (during a discussion on whether people would like to be buried or cremated when they die) - "Would you like to be buried or cremated?" Caller: "Oh, buried Gerry." Gerry Ryan: "And where would you like to be buried?" Caller: "Up to me balls in Bibi Baskin!" Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow?" .... "When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one." RTE Commentator George Hamilton If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces,you have to shine so much brighter in order to be noticed." Bono. "I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough." Keith Duffy of Boyzone. "That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually." Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines. "The referendum went as most people hoped it would." Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process. "Clap your feet!" Bernie of the Nolan Sisters. "British Army bomb disposal squads who attempt to defuse carbombs early and before areas are properly evacuated will be responsible for endangering civilian lives." IRA statement 1988. "He's pulling him off. The Spanish manager is pulling his Captain off!" George Hamilton as Butreguanio comes off against Ireland. "The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed them?" Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting gondolas on Blessington Lake. "We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds." Rev. Ian Paisley. "What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer." Aer Lingus spokesman. "Deep down I'm a very shallow person." Charles Haughey. "I'm always suspicious of games where you're the only ones that play it." Jack Charlton on hurling. "Outside HIV in Grafton Street." Gay Byrne plugging Hot House Flowers appearance. THOSE DISGRACEFUL MADONNA PICTURES - FOUR PAGE SPECIAL INSIDE The Sun VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN Irish Times CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM Evening Herald MRS REAGAN BETTER AFTER FALL Irish Times SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA Irish Times DOG SHOOTS MAN Evening Press TEENAGE MUTANT BINGE AT THURLES Feile '92 RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE Star MAN KEPT ARMS UNDER BED AFTER RELATIVE'S DEATH Irish Times DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH Irish Times "A top level Garda internal inquiry is being held in Connemara into an allegation that a local garda shot a cow .... There has been no statement from the cow." Irish press. "Mrs Windsor can come and go as she wants." Gerry Adams on a visit by the Queen to Northern Ireland. "I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo .... They can go out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And they deserve it." John B. Keane. Interviewer: Is it not dangerous to sell people knives called Rambo Knives? Shopkeeper: I wouldn't say so, a lot of them can't spell. "I was called out to a non-existant phone call. When I returned I lifted my glass, smelled and said 'My God, this is foul,it smells like p1ss'. A voice from the back called out, 'We know, but whose?'." Wine connoisseur T.P. Whelehan at a tasting in Trinity College. Jim Mitchell TD: You're always mixing me up with someone else. Ceann Comhairle, Joe Brennan: Yes, I'm always confusing you with that fellow Mitchell. "Ludicrous. Ridiculous." 1989 edition of Collins Concise Dictionary defines the word 'Irish'. "Get married again." Charles Haughey to women asking for an increase in the widows' pension. Irish Indo after the Gardai raided a massage parlor (knocking shop) in Rathmines. This is the arresting Garda's testimony: "When we entered the premises the defendant was naked and in an aroused state. When asked the reason for his presence at the establishment, he said he was being treated for a GAA injury." Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force, subversion or violence? Applicant: Violence.