People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move." -- David Letterman When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. "In a mad world only the mad are sane." Akira Kurosawa If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli "On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does." --Will Rogers Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. "I don't have to live like them to represent them." --Congressman Norm Dicks about the necessity of a $30,000 midnight pay raise which was more than many of his constituents salaries. If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin. "Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny." -- Frank Zappa A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... The beatings will continue until morale improves. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. "I do not suggest that you should not have an open mind ... but don't keep your mind so open that your brains fall out." --William J. Bennett Earthly life is short -- aim carefully. Duncan Long "$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000--by which time it will be worth nothing." -- Robert A. Heinlein "Being right too soon is socially unacceptable." -- Robert A. Heinlein "Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity isn't a sin, the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity." - Robert A. Heinlein Things could be worse. You could live in DC. Duncan Long "Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for." -- Ogden Nash To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? "640K of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. "EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE A VICTIM. And the paradox is that victim status accrues precisely to those who can acquire enough clout to make others afraid of them. Victimhood has become one of the fruits of power. Anyone can be an underdog; the trick is to be a registered, pedigreed underdog." --Joseph Belloc Sobran. "Every election, Mickey Mouse looks better and better as President." Duncan Long "When your child has matured sufficiently to understand how the judicial system works, set a bedtime for him and then send him to bed an hour early. When he tearfully accuses you of breaking the rules, explain that you made the rules and you can interpret them in any way that seems appropriate to you, according to changing conditions. This will prepare him for the Supreme Court's concept of the US Constitution as a 'living document'." --Joseph Sobran If 'everybody knows' such-and-such, then it ain't so, by at least a factor of ten thousand to one." --Robert A. Heinlein "Marge, the reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think!" --Homer Simpson "I love being a writer . . . what I can't stand is the paperwork." "THESE ARE days when the Christian is expected to praise every creed but his own." -G.K. Chesterton. "God made all men, Sam Colt made 'em equal." --Saying of the Old West "It's fun to dream about a "back to nature" existence, Swiss Family Robinson, Noble Savage, et al, but what you're really dreaming about is mass murder on a grand scale. That's what makes the tree hugger Greens so horrific. To enable the existence they want, 9/10ths of humanity has to die." --Gary Coffman There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. "Whether the FBI tanks started the fire - which killed over 80 people - accidentally or intentionally, or whether it was started by the Davidian's themselves, we will not find the real answer here as to why it happened. We're looking in the wrong direction. A no-knock search warrant via tax enforcement, served up by the Federal government through a violent, armed raid, was the initial spark which started the inferno at Waco." - Scott W. Ostrander Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Every morning is the dawn of a new error... Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. "They pretend to tell us the truth, and we pretend to believe them." --Duncan Long, about the "mainstream press." "Be obscure clearly" - E.B. White "LET'S FACE THE OBVIOUS. Yesterday we were nerds. Today we're the cognitive elite. Let's conquer." -Chester G. Edwards Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. I won t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said, William Buckley, Jr., during a debate with a liberal. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? "You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward." James Thurber: "If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." -- Yiddish saying A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Dain bramaged. Department of Redundancy Department Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud......, James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups. E Pluribus Modem File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is not an installation procedure. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.